Robin and kitties

Saying goodbye to Tabby

2012-01-23T22:04:00.002-06:00

Tabby was depressed for about a week after his sibling died. He refused to go out on the porch, or in any other place where his sister would lounge. He was obviously in mourning for her. Finally he seemed to accept the fact that she would not be coming back, and he began to act a bit more like his old self again. I absentmindedly set a self-feeder down for him, and picked up the ceramic bowl that held his food. His ears went back, and he glanced into the living room, as if looking for his sister. It was then that I realized that he was telling me, "That isn't my food dish. Its hers.", and I realized that he was right. He prefered fresh food, while Sabrina enjoyed being able to nibble it whenever she wanted. Again I was reminded about how very smart cats can be.

Tabby continued to sit on the steps, and to greet the neighbors. A couple of them commented on his weight. He had always been lean, but he seemed a bit thinner. And yet, he ate his food and drank his water each day, and was his typical, friendly self. But perhaps a cat knows when it is his time to leave, more so than his owner does. One day when a neighbor asked me about him, tears filled my eyes, as I realized that he was probably going to leave soon, too. I watched him, to see if he was ever in any pain, and he wasn't... not until the last day. He was acting strangely, and I knew... I knew that it was time to put him down. Yet this time, I didn't know how I would be able to do it without sobbing, on the way there. I wanted to be with him, but I didn't want my son to have to see me weeping, and so I didn't ask him to take me. I borrowed a friend's car, and then the most amazing thing happened. Her granddaughter, only ten years old, asked me if she could accompany me to the vet hospital, rather than go to the movies with her grandmother. I asked, "You want to come with me, to put my cat down, rather than enjoying yourself at the movies?" Then what she said touched my heart, so deeply. This little girl had lost her mother, just a few months before, and so she understood how painful death could be. She said, "People were there for me, when my mother died, and so I would like to be there for you, too." Tears filled my eyes at her compassion, so amazing in one still so young. I realized then that God was answering my prayer. He was giving me the strength I needed, in order to stay with Tabby in his final hour, and to say goodbye to him. With the grandmother's permission, the little girl rode with me, though she remained in the waiting room, until it was over. Tabby remained calm. He seemed to realize that I, who had taken care of him from the time he was a tiny little thing, would stay with him through his final moments. He trusted me to care for him, and so I promised him, "Soon you will be asleep, and you won't be in any more pain. And you will be with your sister again." The vet came in, and was as kind to me as he had been a few months previously, with Sabrina. I gave Tabby one last hug, and he was gone. I walked out to the waiting area, and the little girl walked with me outside, and my tears flowed freely. She wrapped her arms around me, saying, "It will be okay, Robin. Tabby is in a better place." I knew that she was right. He was no longer in any pain, having lived his life to the fullest. He would no longer miss his sister. My beloved kitty, was at peace, wherever God takes the beloved animals who we have cared for. God had shown me, once again, that even through death, he would be there with me, and so I wouldn't have to grieve forever. Because when one knows and trusts God, there is always hope. And with the memories that he allows us to keep, there is always love to remember, with the furry creatures that God places in our lives. Tabby and Sabrina may be gone, but they will always and forever be in my heart.

Where is my sister?

2011-04-28T13:28:00.000-05:00

Last night I was offering Tabby a treat, and he looked around curiously, for his sister. I decided that I needed to be honest with him, since I'm convinced that our animals can understand some of the things we say... that they can communicate with us. I kissed him on his head and said, "Sabrina isn't with us anymore..." He looked pointedly at the blanket she had last laid on. He glanced at another blanket. He looked near the floor. He glanced outside, to the porch. He glanced in the kitchen. And then his ears went down, as he looked at me, as if to say, "Where is she?" I tried to figure out how to explain death to a cat. I realized that I couldn't. I said, "She died... Sabrina isn't coming back." He became agitated, sitting near me, but not relaxing. Thankful for the treat, but not content. (Sabrina always shared every treat). Finally I got him to relax, and pet him in the recliner. And then I set him on his blanket, saying goodnight. He looked around... I always said goodnight to both kitties. So I whispered, "Goodnight, Sabrina..." And I went to bed, trying not to focus too much on the fact that she would never snuggle with me for those first few moments anymore. Because when I would say goodnight, she would always run to my room, and jump on the bed. But she is no longer in pain. That's the important thing. And I am content to think that I will see her again someday. ♥

Saying goodbye to Sabrina

2011-04-26T18:16:00.008-05:00

I meant to write a few days ago, and I didn't. How my kitties seem to be getting tired. Tabby still loves to go outside, but often sleeps under a tree, in the grass. He's happy to be out there all day.

Sabrina has been sleeping more lately, and yesterday I began to worry about her, because I noticed that she wasn't eating or drinking. She became excited about her "treat" yesterday, but then walked away without eating it. It was her favorite... fish. I thought maybe she had a tummy ache.

Then later on I started carrying her to different spots, and setting her down so that she could relax. I resolved to accept that she might not be with us much longer.

This morning I spoke to her, saying, "How's my baby?" She meowed at me, like she does when she's talking. I put her on a blanket, on my lap and said, "I'm sorry that you aren't feeling well, baby. " Then I wondered if she felt too weak to use her kitty box... I know that if I'm feeling under the weather, I don't feel like moving around. I thought maybe she had a bad cold...

So I carried her to her kitty box, and she put her front paws in... and then stopped. The other day she had laid down in it, and I wondered if she was getting kitty Alzheimer's, and feeling a bit confused. I placed her in and she couldn't even stand up... my tears started to run... I picked her up, and she meowed, embarrassed that she had an accident. I held her, beginning to cry harder, and cleaned her up.

I knocked on my son's door... "Joshua... I need to borrow some money to put Sabrina down. She's dying..." Darn unemployment payments that never came. Joshua stepped into the shower, to get ready to go to the bank.

I held her, as I waited... relief flooding me that at least she wouldn't have to suffer long. I suspected that maybe she had diabetes, because she drank and urinated a lot, but she never seemed to be in any pain until yesterday, when I would pick her up.

I held in in the recliner, wrapped in a blanket, petting her and trying not to touch her more ticklish spots, because when I did she would try to raise up. She purred on my lap, enjoying the attention.

I went outside to find Tabby.... I was fighting back tears. I talked with a neighbor, who was friendly but doesn't like cats, and so she didn't understand. I forgave her as she said the standard, "It will be okay... cats get older..." I was grateful at least, that she cared.

I picked up Tabby, who was rather disgruntled about being taken inside in the middle of the day. My across the way neighbor saw me, and he smiled at me kindly. "I had to put a dog down... so I know how it feels. Let me know if there is anything that I can do." And it comforted me to hear that, and to see his wife's sad smile.

I sat Tabby near his sister, and he seemed to sense that something was wrong. Sabrina kissed her brother then, licking him in love... it was a sweet last memory of her with her brother.

My first neighbor came back... the one that doesn't like cats, but who had been friendly to mine. She knocked on the door, saying, "It's me..." and I carried Sabrina over, wrapped in the blanket. She handed me a hot cup of coffee, with flavored creamer, just the way I like it. She had planned to invite me over for coffee, but I had told her that I couldn't visit... so she brought the coffee to me.

As I sipped the hot coffee, prepared for me in love... I understood why Jesus said that if we offer even a cup of water to someone in his name, its as if we did it for him. I so needed that kindness at that moment, to remind me that God was watching over me.

I was holding Sabrina when Joshua came home. I asked him to say goodbye. Not wanting to feel sentimental, he said, "Nah... I don't think I want to." I said, "You've been so nice to her..." then I added softly, "It would make me feel better, if you did." He turned around and walked over, kneeling down and saying, "Hey there, little buddy..." and petting her one last time.

He told me before I left, trying to comfort me, "You know... my dad has had lots of cats, and none of them have lasted as long as Sabrina... your cats have lived a good, long time." I smiled at him and said, "I know... They have. Sabrina has lived a good, long life."

I tried to hold back tears on the way there. I didn't ask Joshua to drive me, because I knew if he did I would probably sob the entire way, and I didn't want to torment him with too many tears. I needed to feel strong before it happened... I didn't want to upset her with too many tears, so I drove myself and kept my tears at bay.

She is usually frightened as we drive, but she was too weak to do more than lift her head. I would pet her, and she'd lay back down and close her eyes.

It was hard to fill out the paperwork, and hold her, and try not to cry. I wasn't too good about the not crying part.

They took her from me to put the catheter in... It was probably best that I didn't see them insert it.

A woman said, "You are so brave..." I looked at her dumbly, and she said, "Several people have brought their pets in to be put down today, but you are the only one who wants to stay for the procedure." I said, "I have to be there, to say goodbye".

They gave Sabrina to me, wrapped in her blanket, wearing a small blue cast. I knew she didn't like hearing the dog barking, or the beeping sounds. I kissed her forehead and stroked her paw. If I had any guilt about putting her down, it went away as she began to moan pitifully. I prayed, "God, please have the doctor come in quickly..." I couldn't stand to see her in any pain.

He came in about a minute later, after I rocked her in my arms, trying to soothe her. He spoke kindly to me, saying, "At her age, it is most likely a terrible disease... kidney failure or diabetes. You are doing the right thing, to end her suffering." I was so glad it wasn't the kind of place that would try to get money out of me to prolong her life... I was thankful for his straightforwardness.

Mercifully, it happened quickly... she went right to sleep. I had told her, just before she died, just before the doctor came in... "You'll see my Mr. Penny... and Mitzi... You'll like them. " and fighting back the tears I said, "You'll see Jeremiah again..."

The doctor said, "Let me check her eyes... and her heart... There now, she's gone. There is no more pain. She isn't hurting anymore. You did the right thing. Be strong now, on your drive back home." I said, "I will... I'm relieved that she is no longer suffering."

On the way home I almost lowered the sound of the music... then remembered that she wasn't there. I had left her blanket... I didn't want to take it home without her.

I came in and Tabby was sitting on top of the recliner, looking at me questioningly. I hugged him and said, "Your sister's gone, Tabby. She went to heaven.." , since I've become convinced that our pets must go there to wait for us.

Tabby didn't want to go outside. He looked around, seemingly for his sister, and he wanted to lie on my lap, curling his face into my lap. He knows I'm sad... and I'm hoping that he won't become depressed when he realizes that his sister... his life-long litter mate...is gone.

I asked my son if he would give me a hug, and he did. I didn't torment him with too many tears (smile). Men are weaker that way. It's harder for them to express emotion, and its harder for them to bear it when someone does. I accept that about him. He loved me and Sabrina by quickly getting the money for the procedure, without question.

Tabby is sitting on the recliner again.... I think he wants me to hold him. I won't mind getting a kitty hug right now, so I will...

Rest in peace, sweet Sabrina.

I was tormented by an adorable kitty...

2011-04-16T14:29:00.002-05:00

Last night I was relaxed and refreshed, ready for bed. I had just read a couple of chapters from my novel. I turned off the light, and with the light of the moon I saw my Sabrina excitedly run over to me. Lately she has been laying on a blanket with her brother, but tonight she wanted to snuggle with me, or so I thought....

Her typical snuggle routine is to lay with me for a few minutes, allowing me to pet her, then moving to another spot on my bed. Last night, she eagerly snuggled with me, and immediately started washing herself. I could hear the bell jingle on her collar, and could feel her movements. And I could not sleep. So I rolled over, and she came to the other side. I moved her to the bottom of the bed, and she meowed, and snuggled up with me again. At one point when I moved her she laid down on my pillow, right above my head... and started washing herself. And I couldn't sleep...

She was relentless in staying near me, having no idea how her innocent actions were keeping me from sleep.

I do not remember when I finally got to sleep. I just know that it took a while, and I had circles under my eyes this morning.

If I had set her outside my room and shut the door, I would have heard her pawing and meowing....

I suppose that I could invest in one of those baby gates, but then she would meow pitifully, feeling abandoned.

The next time I get ready for bed and see her snuggling with her brother, I'll make sure to tell them that they are good kitties, in the hopes that she will take the hint, and stay there. So that I can get a little more sleep...

It's nice to be loved, but we do tend to pay a price for it, sometimes...

My tough little kitty

2010-10-09T05:29:00.006-05:00

We've had new kitty neighbors for the past few months, and for the most part it has worked out okay. The girls are the shy ones, staying mostly inside, and the boys frowned at each other on the stairs, but learned to allow the other one to pass by.

Then Scotti (the neighbor kitty) began visiting our apartment. It became a fun part of his day, and he would sometimes meow at the door until I let him in.
Tabby and Sabrina tolerated this, but began to resent his purposeful friendliness to me - rubbing against my leg as he gave a pointed stare as if to say, "I'm adopting her."
Sabrina began to play a game of her own. If Scotti went onto the back porch, she would block the entry way as if to say, "So... how are you going to get back inside, buddy?" He would wait until she was preoccupied and then would scurry back in.

Lately Scotti decided that he wanted to be the "kitty in charge" in our apartment, but Tabby wasn't going for it. Once Scotti jumped on the couch, where Tabby was lounging, and gave him a pointed look. Tabby glanced up at me as if to say, "Can you please make him go away?"

I guess Tabby finally had it with Scotti trying to be "the big kitty on campus". I saw him lounge on the carpet in a relaxed fashion, and was curious that he would do that when Scotti was in the house. Typically he would sit up and keep watch, both boys keeping their distance but letting the other know that they were watching.

I walked in next room, and I guess Scotti must have challenged him. Suddenly fur was flying, and he and Tabby became this fast moving ball of fluff. It scared me, because Tabby is so little, and he doesn't weigh a lot. Scotti is younger, and twice his size. When I got the cats apart (which I know, could be dangerous) I was surprised to realize that Tabby was the one kicking Scotti's kitty butt. In fact, he lunged at him two more times, clearly angry at what he perceived to be the taking over of his territory.

Scotti quickly went outside as I opened the front door, and Tabby rested, breathing hard from his exertion. His orange and gray fluffies were scattered all over the living room where they had tumbled around.

The next day I saw Scotti sitting on his own mat, quite content to remain near his own door. Tabby seemed to want to avoid any further conflict as well, and stayed in the next day.

Then yesterday things seemed to go back to normal. Tabby went outside and down the steps, and Scotti ran over and looked at me as if to say, "He's outside... is it okay to come in?" I let him in and laughed, saying, "Sure, you can come in. As long as Sabrina is okay with that..."

Summertime

2010-06-21T13:52:00.009-05:00

It's the beginning of summer here in Northern California, and I've felt so blessed this year with an amazingly long spring that seemed to begin back in January. For the first time, my large, blooming plant (I don't know what its called - just that it sometimes has pretty purple flowers) continued to bloom throughout the winter. Then, at the end of January, the trees in our complex began to bud... The air was often warm enough to wear a light sweater. Except for our gift of snow in December, I don't recall having to wear a heavier coat much at all (the kind that is laughingly inadequate in a Kansas winter). So in the beginning of the year it seemed that I was to have a front yard view of a longer spring... a gift, I felt, from God, who had seen us endure too many late springs that go right into the heat waves of summer.

Tabby is becoming lean again, which he doesn't need to do. At 13, I realize now that he will never fatten up, though I wish he and Sabrina could trade a few pounds. I can feel his backbone, though I know he eats well enough. I'm sure it was because of his start in life - he was starving when I found him and his sister, though it doesn't seem to have affected her in anyway. Lately Tabby has starting sleeping in my bed on a regular basis, sometimes near me. He seems to be feeling okay, so he may have just decided for the time not to be so independent in his sleeping arrangements. Sabrina doesn't seem to mind. She just snuggles up next to me as she always does, for the first few minutes.

As winter turned into spring, and spring turned into summer, our little part of the complex filled up with various neighbors. The nice man downstairs, with the tattoos, and his girlfriend who never fail to greet me if they see me when they are taking their dog for a walk. (A beautifully colored pit bull that Tabby steers clear of when he's outside). In fact, it was this couple that helped to rescue Tabby from the roof the day it rained. I'm sure it was the sight of their dog that caused him to want to get as high and far away as he could, leaving him too afraid to jump back down. He knows his bones are older now, and that getting down would not be as easy as getting up. I've exchanged smiles with the young lady who lives kitty corner from me. She and her (boyfriend? brother?) are always very polite. Brandon of course continues to befriend Tabby when he sees him. It seems that Tabby is a regular visitor at his house, as well as in Mary's backyard. I don't think Tabby has ever met Teri or Edith's kitties, since they are indoors. I met Edith's cat once when she invited me to visit, and we shared a pleasant half hour as her kitty rubbed against my legs and purred. Edith is sweet... as I left she smiled, saying, "Come back anytime, honey." That's what's neat about the neighbors here. All are friendly, though never overbearing. We have a new neighbor now, one who knew someone from my former church. (Kara recognized me and said hello one day when she was helping to move my across the way neighbor in. Her mother and I sat near each other in the soprano section of our choir).

My new neighbor has two kitties who look similar to Tabby... Sabrina has seen them in the house a couple of times, when I let them in (because they were curious) but I made sure to stay close in case she decided to become bossy. Tabby seemed to get along with them okay, but lately has become territorial with the male kitty. I've tried using his "nice kitty" drops, but so far they've only succeeded in giving him extra long naps... he's never even encountered Scottie since I've given them to him. I gave him half a does today, and now he's resting comfortably on my bed, no neighbor kitty in sight. So I will probably just need to remain diligent in listening for his occasionally cranky outbursts from outside. He has to learn that they both live here, and that they will need to share the steps and the patio.

The kitties are both resting more these days, and sometimes when I glance at them I am also tempted to want to crawl back in bed. Yet I don't dare give into it... It's been almost two years that I've been unemployed, and I can't risk becoming discouraged and wanting to sleep my days away. Thankfully God has given me plenty to do and I'm never bored. (Cooking, cleaning, organizing, creating, reading, watching over my new little plants, enjoying favorite shows and movies - along with searching the internet for employment, of course. I'll wait for next winter to arrive before I use the excuse to curl up in my soft comforter. For now, I need to continue going through everything that used to be in storage, so that I'll be ready when and if the kitties and I have a new adventure someday. I want to be prepared - whether I have a new roommate, or if my circumstances change, as they sometimes do. When one is trusting in God, they never know what the future may hold. And that, serves to keep my faith interesting. Anything is possible with God. Anything.

Feeling at home in our new apartment

2009-12-21T00:53:00.008-06:00

This is our third month in our new apartment, and the kitties seem to like being here as much as I do.

The back porch affords Sabrina the opportunity to feel as if she is outside, though the slightest sound of a truck, dog, or person sends her running back inside. She doesn't hide in the closets as much, but seems to prefer relaxing on the couch that a friend gave to us.

Both kitties are appreciative of "their" new couch. Occasionally they will curl up in the recliner, which was also a gift. They like the coffee table, because they can get from one piece of furniture to the next, and the end table near the door is a favorite of Tabby's, who likes to jump on it every time he is ready to go outside. (He started doing that at my father and stepmother's house - he would jump near the television to get my attention. Bonnie would scold him, but being a cat, he would do it anyway.) I suppose I should be stricter with "my" furniture, but I was so happy that we could all relax in the living room that I didn't really think about it until it was too late, and if I were to become strict now I would feel like a scrooge. (It's December... the word seemed to fit). I had previously given my couch to my daughter, so for a time I had to use a folding chair if I wanted to watch television. In contrast, the couch and recliner seem like luxuries now... and the kitties seem to think so too.

Tabby rested on the recliner tonight after his ordeal of being stuck on the office roof. It was about 8 feet to the ground, but he seemed afraid to jump, (I think he may have arthritis, since he is 12 now) and so he was stuck in the dark for a couple of hours, getting raindrops on him when he would come over to me and then huddling in a corner until I could find help. My newest neighbor has a tall boyfriend, and she asked him to help me out. He coaxed Tabby down, who backed up for a moment, and then allowed her boyfriend to pet him. He was a bit frightened when he picked him up, and my new neighbor said, "Don't worry, buddy... I won't hurt you." Tabby was shaking a bit when he handed him to me... he clearly didn't enjoy being on the roof for so long. It doesn't surprise me that my new neighbors are friendly; everyone I've met so far has been that way. I think my apartment manager is careful about who moves in.

My next door neighbor rescued Tabby when he ran outside on a cold night, just as I was heading to a Christmas party. I warned him that he would be sorry but (being a cat) he ran away from me. I had no choice to leave him outside, because my friend was there to pick me up.
A few hours later when I came home, I saw a note placed under my doormat. I guess Tabby realized that I wasn't coming home anytime soon, and so began crying pitifully at my neighbor's door, remembering that he had allowed him into his apartment one time.

Tabby was given salmon and the use of his recliner, but did seem a little chagrined when I picked him up and carried him home, thanking my neighbor for his kindness while gently scolding my kitty ("I told you that you would get cold"). My neighbor recently went through a break up, and used to like petting Tabby on the steps on warmer days. He told me when I saw him last that he misses his dog and so enjoys Tabby's company, but I haven't decided if I should say that he can "borrow" my cat (since Tabby isn't outside as much these days), or how we would work that out if he did. I've never actually loaned out my cat before...

Tonight before he was rescued I was fretting about how I would get him down... would he catch a cold in the rain before someone could help? Its not like I could run to the store for a ladder, though I may need to invest in one if he ever tries this again. Sabrina, too, seemed worried that her brother wasn't coming in. For some reason Tabby has been very good to come in each night before it gets dark. Sabrina knows his routine, and kept meowing at me to find Tabby.

Now he is safely inside, and the kitties are curled up; Sabrina on the couch, and Tabby in the recliner. Since its time for me to go to bed, I will turn off the light in the living room. Sabrina will follow me to my bedroom, because it will be her time to snuggle with me, until I'm finished reading and I turn out the light. She will purr loudly and act as if its the most special thing in the world, to cuddle... and after that she will sleep on her own for the rest of the night. She has her routine. Tabby will occasionally join us. I know he was there the other night, when my foot must have come out of the covers and near his face, because he gently nuzzled on my toe to warn me.

Tabby is home... and so I will be able to fall fast asleep.

Enjoying our new home

2009-11-06T21:50:00.002-06:00

The kitties and I have a new home. We are living in a cozy apartment that is quiet, has a supportive manager and friendly neighbors.

Our move was unexpected... My roommate was not taking her medication properly and in the middle of a manic episode suddenly kicked me out and left me and my two kitties homeless. I had twenty dollars in my purse at the time. I was fortunate enough to stay with the friend who witnessed the entire episode, along with another person until I could sell my vehicle and use the money to move into an apartment.

On the one hand I miss my car, but on the other hand I am thankful that it was paid for and that I was able to sell it and acquire the needed cash to find a home.

Sabrina was a bit depressed after I moved out of the trailer and was only able to visit her once a day. She began avoiding me and running away when I would attempt to pet her. She thought I had abandoned her, and I had no way of explaining that it wasn't something I had meant to do. However, the first night we were reunited, she stayed close to me and purred as we snuggled together. The next day she had fun exploring the many closets, and decided that it was safe enough to venture out onto the back porch.

Tabby has always been an indoor/outdoor cat, and soon began to check out the neighborhood. A certain barking dog enclosed on the patio to the right of our building established a boundary line that Tabby chose not to cross. He ventures to the left of our home, near the managers yard and occasionally visiting the pool area near the laundry room. I've noticed that its a favorite spot for squirrels and birds who are looking for a quiet place to explore. Tabby soon got to know our immediate neighbors, allowing them to pet him as he relaxes on the stairs. My apartment manager allowed him to put his nose inside her back porch door to see inside, and my next door neighbor allowed him to come in for a look around. Tabby is a friendly cat and always seems to adopt the neighbors wherever we go.

I invited my next door neighbor to peek inside the living room at Sabrina, who was lounging by the window, and she promptly ran to the back of the house, the little scaredy cat. Most of my neighbors don't even realize that I have a second cat, because they never see her. She would like to go outside at night, but I haven't allowed her to. I'm trying to teach her that if she wants to explore, it will have to be during the daytime.

I've been enjoying having my own kitchen and my own place to decorate. It has been fun to find needed items for my apartment, and to enjoy the comfort of central heat and air. Its never too hot, and its never too cold. Like Goldilocks once said, "It's just right".

This will be a good home for us, and I hope that we will stay here for a while. I am thankful to God who, when a former friend betrayed me, remained faithful and good to me and my two kitties.

Good kitties

2009-06-08T13:09:00.003-05:00

My stepmother would shake her head when I would talk to my cats, saying, "You know that they can't understand you..." I told her that I have always been very intuitive with my pets, and that they seem to understand more than people give them credit for.

I used to have a cat named Mr. Penny, who was more like a friend to me than a pet. Sometimes I would be in my room with friends, and he would come to the door and glance at me. I would then say, "He needs more food" or "he wants to go outside." They would ask in amazement, "How do you know that?" and I would shrug and say, "Oh, I know my cat."

Once while we were living in the house in Citrus Heights, I gasped, thinking that I had seen a mouse. (I've had pet mice before, but am not thrilled by rodents who might have rabies). I realized that it was only Sabrina and Tabby's pet toy. They glanced at me (as if to ask if I was okay) and I laughed, saying, "Thank goodness it wasn't real."

Then I looked at them and said solemnly, "Okay you two... if a rat ever tries to get inside this house, I want you to stop him before he ever can." They seemed to be listening intently, but I laughed and shook my head, thinking, "As if they could understand me..."

I let them go outside into the backyard, and 20 minutes later, my mouth dropped open in surprise. There, on the threshold, was a dead rat.

I looked at my cats, who seemed to be proud of themselves, saying, "We did what you asked us to." I couldn't be sure that it had simply been a coincidence and so I patted them on the heads, saying, "Good kitties."

Then, unfortunately, it was my job to dispose of the rat. Ugh! At least he hadn't gotten inside the house...

Naughty kitty

2009-06-08T00:32:00.005-05:00

My cats are typically well behaved, but sometimes they are disobedient. Frankly they sometimes listen... like a cat.

They were born in the bushes, and a neighbor girl brought them to me when they were only around 4 weeks old. I took them to the store to buy milk - only until I could take them to the animal shelter. I placed them in a basket and after buying a couple of items, opened it up and saw them curled up together, glancing up at me. I thought, "Oh no... I'm hooked", and ended up buying toys and other items for my new kittens. Once I bottle fed them, and heard their meows with the milk flowing down their face, I knew for sure that I was in for the long haul.

Tabby is the brother to Sabrina, and has always had an independent streak. When he was only about 7 weeks old, he ran through the front door when someone opened it. He learned quickly that we didn't want him to go outside, so he would climb a tree and stay just out of my reach in order to obtain a bit of freedom. He didn't know how to get down, and so a neighbor girl (the one who gave them to me) would have to rescue them. Soon Sabrina would follow her brother out the door, and I would have two kitties in a tree who didn't know how to get down.

Once a hawk flew overhead when Tabby was stuck, and I prayed, "Oh God, please save my foolish kitty. I couldn't bear to see him carried away by a bird." He was saved from harm, but another time when I was able to grab him, he had a bit of fur plucked away by a bird who got a bit too close. Tabby survived his escapades and soon became a friend to many of the neighbors in our apartment. He was a small kitty, but would take on any alley cat who attempted to come into the yard. Yet a mama kitty - half the size of him - earned his respect when he got too close, and she bopped him on the nose. My cat - who wasn't afraid of bigger tom cats - learned to stay a respectful distance from her.

Tabby still loves to go outside, and will come inside periodically. Yet when the sun starts to go down, he will run off if I call him, and kind of look at me as if to say, "You can't catch me." And it's true. I wouldn't be able to. (I've tried, and it only frustrated me.)

When we lived in Kansas he learned to come inside during a thunderstorm, though a few times he seemed to feel brave enough to hide under some bushes.

During a recent California storm, my roommate called for him frantically. I'm sure that he was thinking, "What's the big deal? That distant thunder doesn't frighten me."

Our first winter in Kansas he was startled by the snow on the porch, and tried to shake it off his paw after he ran back inside. He glanced at me as if asking me to please get rid of the snow so that he could go outside. I told him that I couldn't do that, and he would have to wait for it to melt. He never went outside during snow days, but would look longingly out the window until he could explore the outside again.

The next winter he happened to see a rabbit hopping through the snow. He decided that if the rabbit could do it, so could he. I was surprised to see him walk gingerly down the steps, jumping onto some bricks, and then somehow finding a spot under a bush without any snow. He would stay outside for about twenty minutes at a time and then come back in.

Now that we are back in California, he seems to feel that just about any weather is okay to venture out into. About the only thing that stops him is a stronger wind, usually if accompanied by heavier rain.

Tabby still tries to run off at night, and if he ever comes in late I'm sure to keep him in for a longer time in the morning. I tell him that he has to say he is sorry for being naughty, and he will then nuzzle my hand and give me kisses. I know it's an act, but he has to show at least some humility before I will let him out again. Sometimes he will even come in on his own, in order to ensure a bright and early start the next day. He is allowed to wake me in the morning (which he does by sitting very close and staring into my eyes until I look at him) but only if he has behaved himself the night before. Otherwise, he knows that I will simply ignore him, and so he lets me sleep in.

Back home again

2009-06-03T11:23:00.008-05:00

I'm back home again, and grateful to be here.

I can't easily explain the turn of events that led me here. Things changed at work: my nice boss relocated, a new (indifferent) boss took his place, and suddenly through a series of unfortunate events, I found myself unemployed. Sometimes God has a way of closing one door if he is ready to open another. At any rate, I took advantage of my new "free time" and chose to come home. I packed up my kitties and set out for California again. I will miss seeing my Kansas family, but it is so good to be near my kids again.

Can you imagine the anticipation I felt as I saw the "Sacramento, 328 miles" (or whatever it says) sign post in Nevada? I remembered from previous experiences that the Nevada side is brown and then things suddenly turn green in California. The sun was just beginning to set as I drove through the Sierras, and into the state that I have grown to love. I wished I had time to stop in Lake Tahoe to admire the beauty of the pine trees, and the lake, but I had to keep going before it became too dark. I said to my kitties, "We're almost there..." and they looked at me quizzically through their cages. They had traveled enough to know that when it became dark we would find a place to settle down for the night.

For a few days after we arrived at my roommate's trailer, they kept looking at me as if to say, "Will we be going again?" They kept expecting me to put them in their turquoise cat carriers. Finally they realized that we were here to stay.

Hugging my kids again was the greatest thing. For any parent who has lost a child (or I suppose for anyone who has lost someone that they love), its the never being able to do certain things with them again that hurts the most. I can't hug Jeremiah again until I'm in heaven, though I will always remember his last, enthusiastic embrace that he shared with me. I had stopped by his father's house to say hello, and he ran out of the front door to me with a big smile on his face, with his eyes lit up in love.

I had shared a letter with him, challenging him to take his hurts and frustrations to the God he used to walk with so closely. He read my letter, and it seemed that he had taken my advice. The change in his countenance was very apparent. When he came over to me that last night, his eyes were shining, just as they did in a portrait of him as a small child, when they shone in innocence and pure delight.

I marveled at how beautiful he was, and the joy that I could see in his eyes. I said, "You did what I asked you to do..." He nodded his head in affirmation, with a smile, and then gave me a hug, saying, "I love you, Mom." My last moment with him, forever etched into my heart and mind.

And so yes (as I blink away the tears that are pooling in my eyes), I was able to come home to Bethany and Joshua, and had the opportunity to hug them again. Life's pleasures are truly the simplest ones, aren't they?

I wonder what God has planned for me. It must be something big, because he certainly has given me time to prepare for it.

I look forward to sharing my adventures with those who care about me, as they unfold.

God is good...no matter what.

Sabrina and Tabby, I don't think we're in California anymore...

2008-06-28T18:11:00.005-05:00

People ask me how I ended up in Kansas after living in California for most of my life. I still hesitate when giving an answer. It was clearly something that God planned and allowed, but not a move that I ever intended to make.

It wasn't that I didn't like visiting Kansas. I did. The people here are nice, and my extended family lives here. However, my children are in California, and so my heart has never really left home while they are still there. I think of the fun times we had together in the years before I left, and I remember the beauty and serenity of the Sierra Mountains. The smell of pine and the song of the birds...I remember walking to the river and crossing the Fair Oaks Bridge, and sometimes walking that way to have coffee in Gold River with a friend. I remember the scent of flowers in the springtime, and in the cooling temperatures of a (not so hot) summer night. And so I am like Dorothy, only a little mixed up. I have a better understanding of the phrase, "There's no place like home."

I've tried not to complain as I pay off my debts. I have a new job that is challenging for me with co-workers that I laugh with, and who are patient with me as I learn new responsibilities. I have decided that I can handle the summer humidity (since one can usually find air conditioning somewhere) better than winter ice storms. (I've never been terribly brave about driving during dangerous conditions.) I think thunderstorms are exciting, but have recently learned that driving in them is much different than driving in a heavy Sacramento rainstorm. I didn't know that visibility would be affected, with the strong winds that we have.

I am extremely grateful to my father and stepmother for inviting me and my two cats to live with them when I fell into hard times. They never had to make such an offer... I never asked them to.

I suppose it's hard for me because not only have I lost a child, but I have not had the money to travel and see my surviving children. It was two years in May, and I miss going out to brunch with Bethany, or playing pool with Joshua, or watching movies at home with them and Bethany's fiancee, Rory. I simply miss having them as a part of my life.

We email and call each other... but it isn't the same. Not when I don't know when I will see them again.

I promise that my postings will not always be so melancholy, but I can only be honest about things are. I can laugh and have fun, but I cannot be superficial and pretend that everything is always wonderful. Not that I ever was that way, but after losing a child... how could I ever pretend that sometimes life doesn't happen in unexpected ways?

Looking back, I would have made different choices. Grief does not afford one a completely focused outlook. Each day is an effort to survive emotionally... to do whatever it takes not to succumb to despair. In my case, I chose to take time off from work to deal with my grief. Not immediately (shock works well that way) but when I felt I needed to. In retrospect I should have kept my position and taken disability until I felt better. But I left work in August, knowing that December would be hard. Jeremiah's birthday and death are in the same month, two weeks apart. And Christmas. Still a joy to me, but a bittersweet one.

I didn't want to take advantage of my company with so much time off. I had money to live on (from the insurance settlement) and so I planned to live on that until the beginning of the next year. But a job didn't come for several months, and on top off the credit card payments I was forced to use for rent and bills, I received a large hospital bill from when Joshua was dealing with his own grief and loss. The burden simply became too heavy too bear. My parents comprehended this more than I did at the time and suggested that I move in with them until I could pay off my debts. I have always had an adventuresome spirit, so the drive to Kansas didn't bother me, but I naively thought that it would only be for a shorter period - sort of a "say hello to the family and then go back home" type of thing. My fear in being away from my kids for so long is that I've lossed the innocence in thinking that they will always be there. How well I know that one can never take life for granted.

My cats have been a blessing to me. Not only were they good little travelers, cuddling up together (by choice) in their cat carrier, but they adapted rather quickly to their new surroundings. It helped that my my father and stepmother like cats, and treated them like one of the family.

They each have their own "cuddle time" with me; Tabby if I am ever using my father's computer (he sits in my lap and snuggles against me) and Sabrina, when I first get into bed. She will curl up next to me, usually for about the first five minutes. Then she will find her own spot. If I am ever sad, they know it, and will give me extra attention until I feel better. Sabrina has been known to meow at me if I stay up to late, as if to coax me into going to bed, and they both will grow agitated on a work day if I push my snooze button more than twice. Sabrina will thump her tail on the bed if I don't rise soon enough, and Tabby will sometimes sit very close to me, looking into my face until I open my eyes. Sabrina makes me laugh, because while she thinks its her job to awaken me, she will curl up again in the covers as I get ready for work. I sometimes tell her that I'm jealous that I can't do the same.

God has put it on my heart that he has been preparing me for the man that he will bring into my life. I've been single for several years, and so it would be nice to be in a relationship again. But he will have to be God's choice for me, and when I see him... I'll know. That will be fun to write about, when the opportunity presents itself. And yet, I wonder... will I meet him in Kansas, or California? Only time will tell, since at this point it would take a miracle to ever get me back home. And yet, I have witnessed miracles in my life before, so I have hope that it could happen, if it is meant to be.