Where is my sister?

Last night I was offering Tabby a treat, and he looked around curiously, for his sister. I decided that I needed to be honest with him, since I'm convinced that our animals can understand some of the things we say... that they can communicate with us. I kissed him on his head and said, "Sabrina isn't with us anymore..." He looked pointedly at the blanket she had last laid on. He glanced at another blanket. He looked near the floor. He glanced outside, to the porch. He glanced in the kitchen. And then his ears went down, as he looked at me, as if to say, "Where is she?" I tried to figure out how to explain death to a cat. I realized that I couldn't. I said, "She died... Sabrina isn't coming back." He became agitated, sitting near me, but not relaxing. Thankful for the treat, but not content. (Sabrina always shared every treat). Finally I got him to relax, and pet him in the recliner. And then I set him on his blanket, saying goodnight. He looked around... I always said goodnight to both kitties. So I whispered, "Goodnight, Sabrina..." And I went to bed, trying not to focus too much on the fact that she would never snuggle with me for those first few moments anymore. Because when I would say goodnight, she would always run to my room, and jump on the bed. But she is no longer in pain. That's the important thing. And I am content to think that I will see her again someday. ♥

Saying goodbye to Sabrina

I meant to write a few days ago, and I didn't. How my kitties seem to be getting tired. Tabby still loves to go outside, but often sleeps under a tree, in the grass. He's happy to be out there all day.

Sabrina has been sleeping more lately, and yesterday I began to worry about her, because I noticed that she wasn't eating or drinking. She became excited about her "treat" yesterday, but then walked away without eating it. It was her favorite... fish. I thought maybe she had a tummy ache.

Then later on I started carrying her to different spots, and setting her down so that she could relax. I resolved to accept that she might not be with us much longer.

This morning I spoke to her, saying, "How's my baby?" She meowed at me, like she does when she's talking. I put her on a blanket, on my lap and said, "I'm sorry that you aren't feeling well, baby. " Then I wondered if she felt too weak to use her kitty box... I know that if I'm feeling under the weather, I don't feel like moving around. I thought maybe she had a bad cold...

So I carried her to her kitty box, and she put her front paws in... and then stopped. The other day she had laid down in it, and I wondered if she was getting kitty Alzheimer's, and feeling a bit confused. I placed her in and she couldn't even stand up... my tears started to run... I picked her up, and she meowed, embarrassed that she had an accident. I held her, beginning to cry harder, and cleaned her up.

I knocked on my son's door... "Joshua... I need to borrow some money to put Sabrina down. She's dying..." Darn unemployment payments that never came. Joshua stepped into the shower, to get ready to go to the bank.

I held her, as I waited... relief flooding me that at least she wouldn't have to suffer long. I suspected that maybe she had diabetes, because she drank and urinated a lot, but she never seemed to be in any pain until yesterday, when I would pick her up.

I held in in the recliner, wrapped in a blanket, petting her and trying not to touch her more ticklish spots, because when I did she would try to raise up. She purred on my lap, enjoying the attention.

I went outside to find Tabby.... I was fighting back tears. I talked with a neighbor, who was friendly but doesn't like cats, and so she didn't understand. I forgave her as she said the standard, "It will be okay... cats get older..." I was grateful at least, that she cared.

I picked up Tabby, who was rather disgruntled about being taken inside in the middle of the day. My across the way neighbor saw me, and he smiled at me kindly. "I had to put a dog down... so I know how it feels. Let me know if there is anything that I can do." And it comforted me to hear that, and to see his wife's sad smile.

I sat Tabby near his sister, and he seemed to sense that something was wrong. Sabrina kissed her brother then, licking him in love... it was a sweet last memory of her with her brother.

My first neighbor came back... the one that doesn't like cats, but who had been friendly to mine. She knocked on the door, saying, "It's me..." and I carried Sabrina over, wrapped in the blanket. She handed me a hot cup of coffee, with flavored creamer, just the way I like it. She had planned to invite me over for coffee, but I had told her that I couldn't visit... so she brought the coffee to me.

As I sipped the hot coffee, prepared for me in love... I understood why Jesus said that if we offer even a cup of water to someone in his name, its as if we did it for him. I so needed that kindness at that moment, to remind me that God was watching over me.

I was holding Sabrina when Joshua came home. I asked him to say goodbye. Not wanting to feel sentimental, he said, "Nah... I don't think I want to." I said, "You've been so nice to her..." then I added softly, "It would make me feel better, if you did." He turned around and walked over, kneeling down and saying, "Hey there, little buddy..." and petting her one last time.

He told me before I left, trying to comfort me, "You know... my dad has had lots of cats, and none of them have lasted as long as Sabrina... your cats have lived a good, long time." I smiled at him and said, "I know... They have. Sabrina has lived a good, long life."

I tried to hold back tears on the way there. I didn't ask Joshua to drive me, because I knew if he did I would probably sob the entire way, and I didn't want to torment him with too many tears. I needed to feel strong before it happened... I didn't want to upset her with too many tears, so I drove myself and kept my tears at bay.

She is usually frightened as we drive, but she was too weak to do more than lift her head. I would pet her, and she'd lay back down and close her eyes.

It was hard to fill out the paperwork, and hold her, and try not to cry. I wasn't too good about the not crying part.

They took her from me to put the catheter in... It was probably best that I didn't see them insert it.

A woman said, "You are so brave..." I looked at her dumbly, and she said, "Several people have brought their pets in to be put down today, but you are the only one who wants to stay for the procedure." I said, "I have to be there, to say goodbye".

They gave Sabrina to me, wrapped in her blanket, wearing a small blue cast. I knew she didn't like hearing the dog barking, or the beeping sounds. I kissed her forehead and stroked her paw. If I had any guilt about putting her down, it went away as she began to moan pitifully. I prayed, "God, please have the doctor come in quickly..." I couldn't stand to see her in any pain.

He came in about a minute later, after I rocked her in my arms, trying to soothe her. He spoke kindly to me, saying, "At her age, it is most likely a terrible disease... kidney failure or diabetes. You are doing the right thing, to end her suffering." I was so glad it wasn't the kind of place that would try to get money out of me to prolong her life... I was thankful for his straightforwardness.

Mercifully, it happened quickly... she went right to sleep. I had told her, just before she died, just before the doctor came in... "You'll see my Mr. Penny... and Mitzi... You'll like them. " and fighting back the tears I said, "You'll see Jeremiah again..."

The doctor said, "Let me check her eyes... and her heart... There now, she's gone. There is no more pain. She isn't hurting anymore. You did the right thing. Be strong now, on your drive back home." I said, "I will... I'm relieved that she is no longer suffering."

On the way home I almost lowered the sound of the music... then remembered that she wasn't there. I had left her blanket... I didn't want to take it home without her.

I came in and Tabby was sitting on top of the recliner, looking at me questioningly. I hugged him and said, "Your sister's gone, Tabby. She went to heaven.." , since I've become convinced that our pets must go there to wait for us.

Tabby didn't want to go outside. He looked around, seemingly for his sister, and he wanted to lie on my lap, curling his face into my lap. He knows I'm sad... and I'm hoping that he won't become depressed when he realizes that his sister... his life-long litter mate...is gone.

I asked my son if he would give me a hug, and he did. I didn't torment him with too many tears (smile). Men are weaker that way. It's harder for them to express emotion, and its harder for them to bear it when someone does. I accept that about him. He loved me and Sabrina by quickly getting the money for the procedure, without question.

Tabby is sitting on the recliner again.... I think he wants me to hold him. I won't mind getting a kitty hug right now, so I will...

Rest in peace, sweet Sabrina.

I was tormented by an adorable kitty...

Last night I was relaxed and refreshed, ready for bed. I had just read a couple of chapters from my novel. I turned off the light, and with the light of the moon I saw my Sabrina excitedly run over to me. Lately she has been laying on a blanket with her brother, but tonight she wanted to snuggle with me, or so I thought....

Her typical snuggle routine is to lay with me for a few minutes, allowing me to pet her, then moving to another spot on my bed. Last night, she eagerly snuggled with me, and immediately started washing herself. I could hear the bell jingle on her collar, and could feel her movements. And I could not sleep. So I rolled over, and she came to the other side. I moved her to the bottom of the bed, and she meowed, and snuggled up with me again. At one point when I moved her she laid down on my pillow, right above my head... and started washing herself. And I couldn't sleep...

She was relentless in staying near me, having no idea how her innocent actions were keeping me from sleep.

I do not remember when I finally got to sleep. I just know that it took a while, and I had circles under my eyes this morning.

If I had set her outside my room and shut the door, I would have heard her pawing and meowing....

I suppose that I could invest in one of those baby gates, but then she would meow pitifully, feeling abandoned.

The next time I get ready for bed and see her snuggling with her brother, I'll make sure to tell them that they are good kitties, in the hopes that she will take the hint, and stay there. So that I can get a little more sleep...

It's nice to be loved, but we do tend to pay a price for it, sometimes...