People ask me how I ended up in Kansas after living in California for most of my life. I still hesitate when giving an answer. It was clearly something that God planned and allowed, but not a move that I ever intended to make.
It wasn't that I didn't like visiting Kansas. I did. The people here are nice, and my extended family lives here. However, my children are in California, and so my heart has never really left home while they are still there. I think of the fun times we had together in the years before I left, and I remember the beauty and serenity of the Sierra Mountains. The smell of pine and the song of the birds...I remember walking to the river and crossing the Fair Oaks Bridge, and sometimes walking that way to have coffee in Gold River with a friend. I remember the scent of flowers in the springtime, and in the cooling temperatures of a (not so hot) summer night. And so I am like Dorothy, only a little mixed up. I have a better understanding of the phrase, "There's no place like home."
I've tried not to complain as I pay off my debts. I have a new job that is challenging for me with co-workers that I laugh with, and who are patient with me as I learn new responsibilities. I have decided that I can handle the summer humidity (since one can usually find air conditioning somewhere) better than winter ice storms. (I've never been terribly brave about driving during dangerous conditions.) I think thunderstorms are exciting, but have recently learned that driving in them is much different than driving in a heavy Sacramento rainstorm. I didn't know that visibility would be affected, with the strong winds that we have.
I am extremely grateful to my father and stepmother for inviting me and my two cats to live with them when I fell into hard times. They never had to make such an offer... I never asked them to.
I suppose it's hard for me because not only have I lost a child, but I have not had the money to travel and see my surviving children. It was two years in May, and I miss going out to brunch with Bethany, or playing pool with Joshua, or watching movies at home with them and Bethany's fiancee, Rory. I simply miss having them as a part of my life.
We email and call each other... but it isn't the same. Not when I don't know when I will see them again.
I promise that my postings will not always be so melancholy, but I can only be honest about things are. I can laugh and have fun, but I cannot be superficial and pretend that everything is always wonderful. Not that I ever was that way, but after losing a child... how could I ever pretend that sometimes life doesn't happen in unexpected ways?
Looking back, I would have made different choices. Grief does not afford one a completely focused outlook. Each day is an effort to survive emotionally... to do whatever it takes not to succumb to despair. In my case, I chose to take time off from work to deal with my grief. Not immediately (shock works well that way) but when I felt I needed to. In retrospect I should have kept my position and taken disability until I felt better. But I left work in August, knowing that December would be hard. Jeremiah's birthday and death are in the same month, two weeks apart. And Christmas. Still a joy to me, but a bittersweet one.
I didn't want to take advantage of my company with so much time off. I had money to live on (from the insurance settlement) and so I planned to live on that until the beginning of the next year. But a job didn't come for several months, and on top off the credit card payments I was forced to use for rent and bills, I received a large hospital bill from when Joshua was dealing with his own grief and loss. The burden simply became too heavy too bear. My parents comprehended this more than I did at the time and suggested that I move in with them until I could pay off my debts. I have always had an adventuresome spirit, so the drive to Kansas didn't bother me, but I naively thought that it would only be for a shorter period - sort of a "say hello to the family and then go back home" type of thing. My fear in being away from my kids for so long is that I've lossed the innocence in thinking that they will always be there. How well I know that one can never take life for granted.
My cats have been a blessing to me. Not only were they good little travelers, cuddling up together (by choice) in their cat carrier, but they adapted rather quickly to their new surroundings. It helped that my my father and stepmother like cats, and treated them like one of the family.
They each have their own "cuddle time" with me; Tabby if I am ever using my father's computer (he sits in my lap and snuggles against me) and Sabrina, when I first get into bed. She will curl up next to me, usually for about the first five minutes. Then she will find her own spot. If I am ever sad, they know it, and will give me extra attention until I feel better. Sabrina has been known to meow at me if I stay up to late, as if to coax me into going to bed, and they both will grow agitated on a work day if I push my snooze button more than twice. Sabrina will thump her tail on the bed if I don't rise soon enough, and Tabby will sometimes sit very close to me, looking into my face until I open my eyes. Sabrina makes me laugh, because while she thinks its her job to awaken me, she will curl up again in the covers as I get ready for work. I sometimes tell her that I'm jealous that I can't do the same.
God has put it on my heart that he has been preparing me for the man that he will bring into my life. I've been single for several years, and so it would be nice to be in a relationship again. But he will have to be God's choice for me, and when I see him... I'll know. That will be fun to write about, when the opportunity presents itself. And yet, I wonder... will I meet him in Kansas, or California? Only time will tell, since at this point it would take a miracle to ever get me back home. And yet, I have witnessed miracles in my life before, so I have hope that it could happen, if it is meant to be.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
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